Hope Deferred

Greater minds than mine have covered the subject of disappointment far more eloquently than I will, but I’m dealing with disappointment today and I’m trying to approach the situation by remembering who’s in control.

Few people know my secret.  In part because I know there’s a good chance I’ll experience total failure and for most people, me included, public failure is something to be avoided.  But, I’ve come to believe the people who read my blog are people who care about me; therefore, I feel certain they also will pray for me.  And, so I’ve decided to reveal my secret no matter what happens.  I could ask for unspoken prayer, but that to me isn’t specific enough.  Sometimes, you need people to pray specifically for something.

I’m asking you to pray I’ll be successful at this secret endeavor, but I also want you to pray I’ll be strong and courageous no matter what happens.  Pray I’ll accept the Lord’s will for my life and not my will.

Now, what is this big secret?  I’ve written a book, a romance book to be exact.  It took almost five years to complete because I’m too much of a perfectionist and I was writing in my spare time.  But, I finished it and finally said I can do no more with it.  Over the last month, I’ve submitted queries, synopses, and a few pages of the book to four different agents.  I received my first rejection e-mail today.

The agent was very kind.  This wasn’t a project she felt was right for her, but she was sure other agents would feel differently, and wished me luck.  It wasn’t as awful as I had anticipated it to be and it was expected.  All writers have experienced this disappointing byproduct of writing, so I know there are many more to come.  

What sticks in the back of my mind is how is it going to feel when it’s rejection letter 25 or 30?  I’m not sure.  What do I do if no one wants it?  What if this dream I’ve had since junior high school is just that – an illusive dream?  What if this isn’t God’s plan for me?

When I saw the e-mail and opened it, I immediately thought of one of the proverbs.  It’s Proverb 13:12, which reads, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  I’ve experienced hope deferred when I didn’t find the husband I had dreamed of and didn’t have the children I had longed for.  It does make the heart sick.  And, how does one deal with the last dream if it too must be deferred?

I’m trusting God totally because I can’t do anything else.  I know He says His grace is sufficient, and I believe Him.  There are a lot more agents to query so I’m not done yet.  Still, the “what ifs” are giving rise in the deepest corners of my mind.  Will this be a fulfilled longing or will this be hope deferred?