Thursday, May 5, 2011

Running On Empty

Today I couldn't get past myself to praise the glory of the Lord all around me.  Today, I put the children of Israel, who grumbled and complained to God after He delivered them from Egypt, to shame.  Pity party would be inadequate to express my "woe is me" attitude.

Most days I can supress my inner sadness, but not today.   Life is overwhelming right now and today was the tipping point.  I left work and literally cried all the way home.

In the last week I've experienced multiple disappointments.  And the final straw today was yet another rejection regarding the book.   I'm frustrated because all the rejections are just form letters, which tell me nothing about what's really wrong with my submission.  I'm disappointed because it's so important to me.  I'm disillusioned because I can't look back on my life and say any dream I've had has ever come true.  And so today, I question why I should give a rip about anything. 

I'm a person who strives to excel, and here I am living this life of mediocrity.  I detest insignificance and yet I have never felt any less significant than I do this day.  This turmoil inside me rages and while I want to let God in, I can't open up to let Him in.  I know His Word says He cares.  But, today I'm not so sure.  Today, I have no idea why I'm here since it seems I have no purpose or meaning.  And, so I find I can only cry: "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.  "Utterly meaningless!  Everything is meaningless."  (Ecclesiastes 1:2).

I'm broken.  I'm sad.  And, I'm empty.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry Lisa,
    You know it is in our darkest moments when we reach out to Christ that our relationship to him gets sealed. I know he allows obstacles in our lives just for that reason. Pretty easy to praise him when all is going well.
    Don't give up, instead pray about it and seek His will for you and the book. It will happen in his timing.
    Hugs dear friend,

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lisa, I'm so sorry. I can relate in so many ways. Just know I'm praying for you and lifting you up. Just know your life is not meaningless. Sometimes so many others can see our purpose more than we can. I just have heard so much of your mission trips to the Indian villages. You have meaning to them and my dear friend you have meaning to me... I want to get together and visit soon.

    ReplyDelete